When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
You Might Also Like
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.