Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
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Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes