[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
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8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
congratulations to them
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before