[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
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Mummies are just super modest zombies
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
me after eating Cheetos
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.