On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
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“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
This could be us… but you playing
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training