me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
LOL
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.