Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
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Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
ok like just. call me at this point
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
How dramatic are you?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.