beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
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Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…