Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
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If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?