Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
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*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Never let them know your next move 😂
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.