INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
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God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
“I’m helping” 😅
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Mood.. 😂
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.