imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
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There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
When the stylist spins you back around
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Kidney stones? Hard pass
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.