People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.