me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
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He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet