I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest