My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
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My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.