God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
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Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.