[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
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guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
This was the best day of my life
All is fair in drunk and war.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Single and childfree like Jesus
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My life in a nutshell
I’m awake but I object,
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds