crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor