Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
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LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda