Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
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[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
This is not me but this is me
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.