Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
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Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit