Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I think this cat is broken
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*