I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
You Might Also Like
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime