What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
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Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”