Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
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eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am