I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
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The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.