I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
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*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s