airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
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Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
🙋♀️
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.