Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
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I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.