Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
You Might Also Like
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
why isn’t he texting back
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]