by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
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A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
😂😂