Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
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Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!