Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
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Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I bet birds love this building.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.