Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.