Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem