I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
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*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
*cough*
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first