I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
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WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze