Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
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“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back