If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
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I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead