MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
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me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Optional boss fight.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
And bowling should be called pinball
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin