[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
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somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Monday
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh