ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
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My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I identify as an antique shop.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.