My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
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*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Home is where your toilet is.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Who does Amazon think I am?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.