Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
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7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.