To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
You Might Also Like
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
notice
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.