PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
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