“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.