“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
You Might Also Like
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror