*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
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Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
How to wake up a Beagle
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak